Moving on.
It’s 5:20 AM here in the UK, this is my favorite time. I’m that person, who wakes up at dawn basically to have coffee and hit the gym. No shame, just 32– at 60 I’ll probably be waking up at 2AM at this rate…
My mind has been heavy lately reflecting on my journey moving abroad and living in England for the past 2.5 years. Right before a pandemic and all that has ensued since then. We’re relocating in a few days to a new area of England, more Southwest near the coast and this is causing more reflection and rumination. I’m excited to be closer to water, I’m excited for a new start and exploration but I think everything that has happened in the World needs some closure, at least in my mind.
Being an immigrant is an interesting way of life. I’ve changed extensively in this relatively short time in my life; but yet I am still very much myself. I’ve spent a lot of this pandemic resisting life. I’ve been extremely home sick, depressed, and felt like everyday was the same. Wake up, work from home, see a few people on the screen if you’re lucky, rinse & repeat. While we have now been able to go back to the office a few days a week, and while we can plan to see friends, I do not think this monotony, this feeling of stagnation, has left my mind. I still feel trapped, I still feel constrained, and now it’s just stuck in my mind.
Yesterday something shifted and I can feel it now. I feel lighter and open. I had a rough workout yesterday morning, I just didn’t have any energy and kept putting myself and my body down. ‘`Why can’t I push as hard as others, is it my diet, why do I always do this to myself, am I going to have to change something else again!? Why can’t I get it right.’ Then a shower thought hit me; why do I care so much about this. Why don’t I just let go, and feed my body more if I need to or rest, nothing bad is going to happen, life is honestly too short to continue to run in this spiral. I had gone on a long walk the day before, of course I was still exhausted. And as I reflected on that walk I kept chastising myself for not eating an extra cookie, for vehemently protesting against it (in my mind). I asked myself… who is this fight for? Why am I so resistant to indulgence? Sure, I want to exert that control, but what is it proving? A part of me really wants others to see that I am my own person, that they can’t persuade me into believing their thoughts and following their behaviors. But why? Who is trying to harm me, why do I have this strong defense? It’s EXHAUSTING. I just want to let go, not just in the food sense but I mean just let go of the resistance. It doesn’t have to be so black and white. I can work out, and eat, I can indulge and chill out. It’s not all or nothing. I’m not going to suddenly fall off the wagon and start partying till 4am just because I had a beer. I’m not going to start binging on pizza because I had a couple of slices one night. I’m not going to get sick and have tons of stomach pain because I had a few cookies (ON A LONG ASS WALK).
I know this is the same story in a different shade for myself. I’ve battled with this for a long time, so I don’t expect my relationship with food and my body to ever be 100% carefree and nonchalant. Maybe it will, I don’t know. But I’m not dependent on that outcome. All I can ask for are these moments of self awareness. I really needed to be reined back in. And the universe has allowed this moment of reflection today. I’m not sure where to go from this moment but I want to embrace it and embrace this feeling of openness. Its just an example to show that progress in life, and over ones’ own demons is not linear. There are many ups and downs to conquering past fears and issues. Its just a matter to keep going, don’t give up on yourself or the process.
